Not So Fast

It seems like since Christmas things have really been going very fast. So many things have happened in our little family! We started off the year with the good news of my surgery results, but the doctor appointments did not stop for me. I still have the Herceptin infusions every few weeks, I had a post-surgical issue that required a follow up appointment, there was an appointment to meet the radiation oncologist and another to get me set up for radiation, then starting radiation daily, physical therapy, follow up dermatology appointment from the rash I had, and other non-cancer related appointments. Add in appointments for the rest of the family and you can imagine why we include our doctors on our Christmas card list!

That Little Girl had another good check up at the dentist! And we toured a potential kindergarten for her. We all made it through another year and had the smallest birthday party yet with a few school friends. And That Little Girl picked up a book we had not read together and read the entire thing to That Baby independently just because she apparently just loves being a big sister. Have I mentioned how amazed I am by the relationship these two have?! In the same week as the kindergarten tour, we also had her parent teacher conference at nursery school. Slightly overwhelming! So much growing up and so much change to think about. Even though I will be back at work, and our daily time apart does not change based on her age, I can’t get over how much things will be changing for her and how far she has come when I look at That Baby.

That Little Girl and I recently were listening to the one and only Tangled song I have on my phone, “I’ve Got a Dream” is the title. In the middle of the song, she crawled in my lap and she asked me, “Mommy, what is your dream?” I mean seriously, in the midst of a really crazy hectic week with children’s behavior that makes others tell you visiting is great birth control, how do you not just melt hearing that! I told her my dream is to see both That Little Girl and That Baby grow up and do whatever it is that they are destined to do, because I know it will be great. That Little Girl asked what I thought she would do and I said I had no idea, but I know she will do something to love and care for people. She has long told us she wants to be a Doctor Teacher (teach others how to be doctors after being one herself is how she describes it) and I really think it is the perfect description for how she approaches everything. She loves to care for others and just love and nurture them so adding in the science of medically caring for people as well seems like a quite plausible prediction of what she may end up doing. So when she asked me what my dream was for That Baby, I told her it was just to see her grow up and be her and do what she might do to be happy in her life. I just can’t believe what a grown up conversation it was and how long it went on talking about what my girls may do someday and how my dream is just to see them be strong independent intelligent women! Yet at the same time, I just want it all to slow down already!

And That Baby hasn’t exactly been boring! She is sitting up really well, clapping, waving, clicking her tongue and bopping to music and trying so hard to talk to us! She now has four teeth, which might explain her suddenly taking a liking to food. As we had been planning her baptism, I realized that her birthday is nearly right around the corner. Where did the year go? I mean, I know where it went, but it went by so fast and I feel like I have floated through it without really taking or having the time to smell the baby. I mean, seriously, that smell is divine. Then all of a sudden it is gone! So forgive me if you have a newborn and I smell your baby in the future.

In the midst of all of it, I have made the transition to radiation daily and am almost done with the long treatment path that it is on it’s own and had all sorts of other medical appointments creep up and demand priority. I have even gone back to work very part time on a trial basis from home. It’s a lot. Mentally and physically quite a bit for me. Not in an entirely bad way, just a whoa this is all going very fast way and my mind and body are not quite keeping up with the news. More on that another time. So while everyone thinks the silver lining is that I have had all this “extra time” with my girls while I have been going through treatment, I really feel like my time has been much more limited and the quality hasn’t been what I would like it to be. So I feel like the time goes way too fast as they keep going and learning and doing all these great things and I’m just trying to keep up and be there and absorb it all.